Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!

Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.

JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.

GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.

It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.

I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.

6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name

Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.

What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)

No wine. No peace.

Know wine. Know peace.

Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..

Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”

Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.

[boiling pot]

Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off

*first day as a detective*

Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body

Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead

Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.

No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness

HER: I think we should break up

ME: But…why?

HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue

ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction

HER: Or both

worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone

Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants

I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.

My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”

Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.

[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassing

Me: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names

Wife: It’s Amy

Me: Yes I know that now, Amy

HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.

This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life

[Yelp Customer Review]

Bill’s Wild West Saloon

Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars

I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.

DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.

ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.

DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?

ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*

Incredible customer service.

I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits