Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter

my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”

i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool

Me: You ever have conversations in your head?

Me: No.

Me: Me neither

*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*

*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*

me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there

friend: that bad huh

me: you have no idea

[earlier in the bathroom]

man in the corner: *throwing pennies*

me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me

4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!

*tries*

4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?

She’s not the first to ask me that.

Went to a parade.

For an hour, bored people on floats waved.

For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.

It was the greatest day of her life.

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.

“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon

I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.

I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.

[produce section, grocery store]

Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?

GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?

“Hygiene”

SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.

“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*

Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.

Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes

I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”

Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.

1. Wear a black shirt

2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.

3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume

*slams a five on the counter*

“Bartender! Give me another!”

*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*

How do you stop a rhino from charging?

You take away its USB cable.

*couple walking through the house they just bought*

Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!

Wife: Really?

H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.

*later*

Friend: Is there an attic?

Husband: No.

I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.

I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!

Cookie.

There, happy now? You cunts.

I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home

Brain: that was a good cookie

Body: here’s 4 pounds

How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?

I was today years old.

Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”

Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩