Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.

[taking out my Diva Cup]

Dracula: you gonna drink that?

Therapist: So why are you guys here?

Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.

Him: This is our first date?

Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.

Father’s Day Fun:

1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.

I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.

He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!

#jokes

Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.

Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.

So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?

My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit

If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.

11: how large is Scotland Yard?

Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…

11: never mind, I will ask google.

Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!

Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope

[8am, phone rings]

Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.

Me: No worries, I have vodka.

I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!

I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.

*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend

me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?

Me: How much for the snake hamster?

Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret

I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.

Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate

Ya’ll i really thought @iamcardib wore a swim/bathing suit only to realize it’s the bald headed man 🥴

took my kids to the trampoline park and within minutes one of them was attending a stranger’s birthday party and the other one let me know that she had made an ‘enemy for life’

Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—

*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*

Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.

Nature abhors a vacuum

My dog: frfr

*gets in taxi*

Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.

Cabbie: Where to?

Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.

coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them

Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…

*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.

First date idea: we take your cat to the dog park.