I tried getting my ducks in a row but 2 can’t swim, 3 have bad attitudes, and 1 could not pass a field sobriety test if his life depended on it.
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If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
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I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
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[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
okay run it by me one more time
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Love this guy
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote