I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
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A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
This publishing job says applicants must currently live in Illinois, but then relocate to Michigan. WTF? Why??
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh