Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I love you.

3yo: I love you

Me: Are you my big kid?

3yo: Yup

Me: Are you my sweet boy?

3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.

I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives

[at art museum]

Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Me: It needs more yellow

ME: I would like a complaint form

ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left

ME: I would like two complaint forms

Someone just threatened to call me later

Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.

ibopfufen

The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.

I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.

Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.

I never found the Headless Horseman that impressive, because the horse still has a head and is clearly doing all the navigating. My first thought wouldn’t be “demon guy” it would be “service horse, make sure not to pet it”

therapist: what do you see?

me: Snoopy

therapist: this one?

me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football

therapist: I see, and now?

me: Lucy moved the ball

therapist: wtf this is the wrong book

[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been

Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?

I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.

She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.

It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.

When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.

The rainbow lorikeets outside my office explained that purchasing fancy new binoculars today to see birds better was probably unnecessary.

Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.

Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.

Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.

I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!

Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!

Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?

[things I worry about on vacation]

1) Getting eaten by a shark

2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny

I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.

Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.

Me every time my old dentists office calls me to schedule an appointment not knowing I changed to a new dentist

Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*

my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated

*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*

I wish I had a better metabolism

THERAPIST: What do you wish for?

WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things

ME: For the dog to talk