I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
You Might Also Like
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
shotgunning a can of soup and crushing it against my forehead like a beer can
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
ok hear me out: Luigiana
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism