I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
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Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
“You’re right, Harold. That is a nasty eye wound”. – William the Concurrer.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
“I’m playing chess while you’re playing checkers” wrong. I’m playing a third game I just made up and it’s called jumpy circles
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
me before I type out affect or effect
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
“Let them fake cake”
Marie Internette
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Murdery Steve, he has never been questioned”
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else