Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.

I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid

Barney: I love you, you love me

Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing

Me: one pill pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: no just one pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: pls only one pi-

Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao

Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.

I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.

Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado

Barista: What’s a furtado?

Me: It’s like a bird

I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.

No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.

at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you

People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.

Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?

Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.

Her: I meant good times with us.

Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.

gingerbread man: hold on

[puts baking paper on the bed]

*kissing intensifies*

I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 goose

Looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread

If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic

I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.

uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there

You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..

Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.

Her: I love cats

Me: [trying to impress her] me too

Her: what’s your favourite kind

Me: [panicking] uh…doja

Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.

Men: Same.

[outside of bank]

Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!

Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!

Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.

I was just discussing this with my cat

Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy

“You have such a great personality”

Me: Thanks, I collect them.

If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house

My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.

If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.

Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –

my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”

[at pet store]

Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.