I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
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Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.
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“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]