Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My what?

” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium

NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”

Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.

You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.

thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT

The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂

😂

Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”

I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.

Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.

Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!

How many calories are in Twitter beef?

Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.

A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.

“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon

[thanksgiving dinner]

Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive

My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!

If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.

Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.

I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.

After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.

[waits until purge night to illegally download music]

My swear jar is having a very profitable week.

Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.

the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck

So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?

Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!

I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me

[Dinner table]

Son: no! I don’t wanna!

Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?

Son: …yeah

Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.

Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.

MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.

idk what he going thru but i feel him