Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you

ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted

My son’s blood type is parmesan.

[ day 2 of self quarantine ]

me: i’m bored

my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe

Ok team, today we’re …..oh

so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset

Mugger: give me everything you got

Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want

Mugger: ok nevermind

Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”

You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.

“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White

I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.

It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us

[spelling bee]

Judge: Your word is McConaughey

McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?

Judge: We have no idea

I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller

If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.

What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?

Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.

Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal

[inventing flies]

GOD: make them eat shit

ANGEL: got it

GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world

ANGEL: ok who hurt you?

I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.

If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.

Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.

Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀

[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think

Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.

When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.

You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese

a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat

If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.

The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.