I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
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Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
This is Miles. He was asked what he was doing. And explained very clearly. 13/10
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
