I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
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Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful.
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, she says her printer doesn’t work.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.