I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
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[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Friendship with me is challenging because I am hiding somewhere in your house and you have 15 minutes to find me
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING