Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.

Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that

“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation

Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores

[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman

I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby

[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water

First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”

the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm

STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF

ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!

MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.

*Writes a song for you*

*Sings it under your bedroom window*

*You call the cops*

*Your husband falls in love with me*

ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park

Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown

Today’s Times

Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you

The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.

Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.

My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.

A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’

Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.

maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them

*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*

One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.

I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.

I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.

Saw an Italian nativity scene:

• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys

Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?

Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs

My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.

I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch