I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
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Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
😼🖥️
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
He took my last fry, your honor
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair