Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

boss: can i see u in my office

me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out

Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?

Rick Astley: *tearing up*

Me: oh no

Overheard on the bus:

“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”

My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.

I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.

I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?

Her: Penny for your thoughts?

Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?

Her:

Me:

Her: Can I have my money back please?!

“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”

— No squirrel ever.

Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…

Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?

Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.

Saturday

I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.

Me: I like sunsets

Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say

Me:

Son: you’re also very pale

I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.

*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark

-me as a tattoo artist

It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.

If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.

[Starbucks]

“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”

Barista: Is Pepsi ok?

Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE

Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.

This will never not be funny 😭

friend: edible kick in?

me [washing my hands]: not yet

friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?

[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]

My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.

Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.

me: how much for the funny smelling spray?

employee: perfume?

me: no, the whole bottle

Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week

Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?

I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.

yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days

There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao