Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.

In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.

Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.

this is the most humiliating day of my life

My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.

How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?

*watches a house fall on you*

*steals your shoes*

Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.

~me as a motivational speaker

if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor

my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes

Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.

Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.

Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?

Me: I wanted to watch it again.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.

You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?

“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir

Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.

Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.

for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.

I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.

Child: [crying]

Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?

Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!

Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease

professor x: tell me more, tell me more

Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?

Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out

We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket

jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done

I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.

I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.

Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.

The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.

[creating animals]

God- I want an animal with 2 humps

Angel- And a cute face?

G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans

A- LOL

G- LOL

Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.