Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.

If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.

I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected

Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!

#LaborDay

Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400

Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.

I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer

me: can i buy you a drink?

her: i’m getting married at 5

me: cool so we have 2 hours

*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops

Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.

I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.

[at park, walking puppy]

Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’

Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’

“Who’s sorry now?”

~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam

I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!

Doctor: How long have you been in pain?

Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997

*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
ＨＵＭＡＮ

I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’

For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.

Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.

A rich person walking around like “oh my, where are my manors?”

It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.

Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.

If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely

I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.

I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.

You can extend the olive branch..

but you can’t beat them over the head with it

I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please

I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”

The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer

Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?