I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
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Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?
Fleeced Navidad
#GoldCrackers
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
My kids and I both think of Martha Stewart as “the brownies lady” but for very different reasons
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!