I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
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When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Never make a promise you can’t keep rescheduling.
I feel like the “how to” book of my life was written in braille…and that shortly after I became an adult, someone clipped off my fingertips with pruning shears.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.