Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again

Welcome to the dark side.
We have….

Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.

*comes home drunk

*sleeps on floor

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”

“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”

-my dog, when I wax

dads on road-trips be like

Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence

I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back

This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.

i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied

Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*

*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*

WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.

[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*

I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…

lacktoes intolerant

*opens another beer*

Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.

Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.

the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”

Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.

Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?

on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house

Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)

My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.

Now is the winter of our dish content.

Final Destination: Holiday Edition.

So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.

painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?

me: absolutely not

COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”

ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”

Nobody:

God: Make half of them allergic to spring

We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:

-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40

More info soon.

Amazon review of the Solar System

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”

Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?

Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”

Kid bunny: ok

Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots