Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(3:12am)

My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face

Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes

Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes

I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.

I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.

customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it

What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”

Wouldn’t that be something?

that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that

The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.

Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.

ME: We’re all out of beef

CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken

ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?

ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES

Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology

Egyptians: …

Aliens: …

Egyptians: ok don’t be mad

some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures

I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.

To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”

Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES

Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date

Blind Date: WHAT

Me: Kind of like a big raisin

Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.

One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.

Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?

villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!

me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental

v *tearing up*: …you passed

I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.

MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.

I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight

~ refills 32 oz tumbler

Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.

50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.

I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.

<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…

“Ow! I’m brined!”

The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.

god: next up for 2020-

angel: crap, what now?

god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS

angel: i’ll get legal