Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this

dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”

HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”

Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”

If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad

Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.

Petition to rename deer to good will so deer hunters have to say they’re good will hunting. HOW DO YOU LIKE DEM APPLES

Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him

[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?

12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.

I challenged a man who left his shopping trolley in the adjoining space and he replied “someone else will move it” before walking away. He was right, I did – and attached it to his driver’s side door with a cable tie

Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.

Chicken Widow: BUT WHY

Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.

Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”

The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.

Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.

ME: this mask should give me the best protection

SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95

wish me luck lads

i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them

Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.

I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended

I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.

Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.

What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?

I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.

Her: What’s for dinner?

Me: It’s a surprise!

Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?

Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!

Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?

Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?

I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.

I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning

Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.

Me: Can I have $5?

Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?

[Watching the news]

This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.