I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
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When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Mountain Goat : )
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death