Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE

Saw another story about a missing hiker.

I never went missing sitting at home.

Tammy is short for Tamuel

“baby on board” ok well can you tell him to drive faster

The twelve days of Christmas be like:

Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)

I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her

Therapist: What brings you here today?

Me: I’m a middle child.

Therapist: I see, classi..

Me: In between two sets of twins.

Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.

“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.

a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid

Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”

I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.

Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.

Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.

wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off

Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”

they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar

everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)

One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.

Invention idea:

Written versions of audio books.

Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do

People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.

Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now

[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”

You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty

To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice

My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha

cop: sure whatever

[later in traffic court]

judge: how were you going 420 in a 55

ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?

HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that

My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”

The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.