I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
You Might Also Like
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
dictator is short for richard potato
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please