I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
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The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
the noise i just made
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi