*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
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Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Match dot com, but for socks.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.