Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”

It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.

Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.

I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.

greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital

It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.

The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.

“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”

Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.

Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.

KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction

replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty

[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*

Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.

Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…

I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.

I’m never using self-checkout again.

9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.

I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…

I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread

My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”

I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.

Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?

Me: Yes, socks

Toddler: No!!

*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*

ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that

Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.

Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.

Wrote a song and it goes a little something like this… Who put maple syrup on the caaaaat?

Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?

I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.

They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.

SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men

HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool

SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth

HOBBITS: WOW

I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.