I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
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3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
These apps are getting out of control.
There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.
*uses phone flashlight to look for phone*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
I think I can now safely say that none of my co-workers were “personality hires”.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?