Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.

“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently

Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.

My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.

[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share

Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?

You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby

Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…

Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*

Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)

Had an Airbus A320 in with some fuselage damage. Benny in maintenance didn’t have the parts, so he had to do a few adjustments and a spot of riveting. The airline will never know.

Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.

Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.

Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way

Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.

Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while

If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.

Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.

“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”

Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.

hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol

I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.

I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes

We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.

‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’

Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate

I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.

Good morning.

My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.

I sold their house.

FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.

I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.

Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.