I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
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Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.
I saw my son go quietly into his bedroom with a broom and dustpan. It’s taken me awhile to learn this, but I now know that there are some questions best left unasked.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
British websites use biscuits.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.