I tried screaming into the void today, but the line was too long.
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Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
*kicking in your front door*
I’M GONNA REARRANGE YOUR FURNITURE IT LOOKS STUPID
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
{4 way stop}
Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
