I tried screaming into the void today, but the line was too long.
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Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
“Taco Bell isn’t even good” Yeah I know. Sometimes the raccoon inside of me craves garbage. Leave me & my Crunchwrap alone
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.