I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
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Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
It’s a gift
on da cob, we all corn
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
A man of commitment.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder