I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
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Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Now who done made this a sport lmao
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags
me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis
girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
This classic never gets old . . .
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
If practice makes perfect then I should really know what to do with my arms by now, when trying to sleep