I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
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ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.