@squirrel74wkgn

I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.

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@online_shawn

Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan

@EasilyTempted

If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.

@UniqueDude2

if you get killed while you have to pee your ghost will have to pee but it can’t

@TheTalkingPipe

I accidentally opened the fitness app on my phone for the first time ever. It just began pointing at me & laughing.

@duplicitron

Hey lady I have bad news for you someone thought your hair was noodles and left their chopsticks in it.

@birbigs

I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.

@david8hughes

[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then

@pinupteacher

After seeing my dog scoot her butt across my rug, I’ve decided I need to up my break dancing game.

@IndecisiveJones

gryffindor: i only want the bravest

slytherin: i only want the most cunning

ravenclaw: i only want the smartest

hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious