I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
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nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.