@squirrel74wkgn

I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.

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@Peauxtassium

You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.

@sploosk

Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO

@TragicAllyHere

[Movie theater]

*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*

@JessObsess

Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.

@mynameisntdave

If you want your dog to take a pill:

1. Get a piece of cheese

2. Eat the cheese for energy

3. Get ready to wrestle your dog

@d_duhwit

Neighbor: Hey I’m sick of your dog doing his business on my lawn.
Me: Ok, sorry. *Walks over to my dog’s lawn lemonade stand* Hey, I told you it has to be on our lawn.

@yoyoha

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times lets face it you’re a jerk and I’m stupid

@AverageCorners

My sleeping pills say to take them and immediately go to bed, but I feel like I have plenty of time, so km ufmcmszbv ishzn hdu flerf.

@TheAlexNevil

*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in

@ArfMeasures

[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..

ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help