I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.

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Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan


If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.


if you get killed while you have to pee your ghost will have to pee but it can’t


I accidentally opened the fitness app on my phone for the first time ever. It just began pointing at me & laughing.


Hey lady I have bad news for you someone thought your hair was noodles and left their chopsticks in it.


I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.


[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then


After seeing my dog scoot her butt across my rug, I’ve decided I need to up my break dancing game.


gryffindor: i only want the bravest

slytherin: i only want the most cunning

ravenclaw: i only want the smartest

hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious