Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.

Overheard at the grocery store:

“Oh, I need a baguette.”

“A female bag?”

“God, you’re such a himbo, Kyle.”

*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*

*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”

DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*

ME: cmon man

DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*

ME: I’m so hungry, David

don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.

First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!

I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.

going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous

[Movie: Romance]

Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!

Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…

Him: K… forget it…

after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry

A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.

“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”

She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.

[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later

If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.

some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob

Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.

Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.

I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.

[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting

Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.

Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.

*Sad trombone noise*

Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”

*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*

Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.

What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?

How do books end up in a prison library? Do they have to do something bad like giving someone a papercut?

For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:

Still sucks.

Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”

“No.”