Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown

Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.

After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!

making my kids wear corduroy pants so they can’t sneak up on me

ME: my dog ate my homework

TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good

[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted

I’m doing crunches twice a day now…

Captain in the morning…

Nestle in the afternoon.

“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”

– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores

Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room

The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!

Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all

Him: plays dead

Why is my life so hard?!!

~Me, trying to open a jar .

Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*

Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*

Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.

Me: Why are you threatening me?

When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet

I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.

I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows

My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.

Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone

Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr

Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting

🚲+physics = winner

My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.

Iron Man: *eats chips*

Ant Man: *eats microchips*

[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.

this has to be peak English

Me: Snack?

4: anything please

Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?

4: whatever you want

Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?

4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE

*brings snack*

4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!

So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!

By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.

*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.

Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work

magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]