Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?

ME:

INTERVIEWER:

ME:

MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself

Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.

me: i wanna see how high this cliff is

Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead

me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air

Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-

me: what

Charles Darwin:

me: that could what Charles

Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.

Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.

*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors

Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”

All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.

Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.

You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.

My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.

Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.

dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no

As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.

Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.

My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.

I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.

She threw it at her sister’s head.

the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet

If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.

If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”

Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now

So UBER is not a dating app?

*sigh*

I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.

When you forget you’re at the restaurant.

*overheard from the other room

8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?

Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?

8yo: No

Grandma: Just one then

To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.

[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]

me: *barges into the room*

How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.

Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.

My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.

Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.

Three men are on a boat

They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.

So?

So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.