I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
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Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.