@khachapurim

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network

LinkedIn Park

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@breatheandlove

Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’

@yonewt

How To Be Interesting:

Never pronounce “Ray Liotta” the same way twice

@English_Channel

new workout: I put my phone on the other side of the house so I have to walk to check Twitter. I’ve gotten 56,000 steps today

@simoncholland

On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.

My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”

@sonictyrant

Inventor: so a flying balloon

Me: i’m with you

Inventor: big flame over your head

Me: sounds good

Inventor: no steering

Me: excellent

Inventor: *snorting coke* and you’re in a wicker basket

Me: i’m in

@caithuls

PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-

ME: [raises hand]

PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand

@delusions_of

That’s “MISTER your credit card is declined” thank you very much.

@christinaloca

How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.

@realHamOnWry

Whoever said that the pen is mightier than the sword never tried slicing a cucumber with a Sharpie.

@michaelajeffery

ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.