I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
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If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
The doctor tried using the stethoscope on CJ and he goes “no no, EYE baby doc” and tried using the stethoscope on the doctor 🤣 doc goes “hey man I worked hard to use this stethoscope, what are your credentials?” Cj goes “im baby” doc goes “ok that’s fair you can go first” 😂😂
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!