Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.

[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]

customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too

me: he’s not on the menu

The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy

[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then

people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed

Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.

My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.

*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face

Now it looks like me.

ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now

FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—

ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all

Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.

“I’m really good in bed”

-Ice cream

Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*

Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.

Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.

Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”

Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”

If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.

Sorry I said you and your husband look related.

I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.

Fly is dead.

My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE

My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.

Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.

Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?

He thought he had job security…

Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.

A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon

Looking for investors

Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.

My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol

True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.

If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.

In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.

heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”