I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.

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i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere


Thought for the day:

Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?


I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.


If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.


All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.


[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?


(Watching Planet Earth)

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day

ME: hooray I wanted this

DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies

ME: Oh no why did I want this


How to grab a women’s attention:

1. Be a glass of wine.


The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.


[on a first date]

“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”