I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
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Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
favorite tropes as memes
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.