@bingowings14

I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.

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@leifromloihi

i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere

@Gupton68

Thought for the day:

Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?

@TheCiscoKidder

I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.

@roywoodjr

If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.

@TheAlexNevil

All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.

@chuuew

[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?

@spies_please

(Watching Planet Earth)

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day

ME: hooray I wanted this

DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies

ME: Oh no why did I want this

@karlainvt

How to grab a women’s attention:

1. Be a glass of wine.

@Home_Halfway

The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.

@ojedge

[on a first date]

“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”