I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
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*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Dear Mom & Dad,
Remember that one night in my teens when I stood in the kitchen denying I was drunk, all while slurring, swaying & peeing on the floor? Well, I still resent the accusation.
Love,
The best daughter ever
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
“FOUND ‘EM!”
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha