Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.

I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”

To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news

Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.

A group of toddlers is called a migraine

Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”

“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”

-fuse box on a power trip.

TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.

I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.

I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.

[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]

*breaks wind*

Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.

What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans

“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”

cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or

A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested

Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”

Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.

coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.

Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!

Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”

How did people charge their phones before electricity?

what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing

Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.

losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild

You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.

not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air

[being strapped to a medieval torture table]

“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”

I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.

My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”