Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad: Which highway did you take?

Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff

My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?

Me: What?

7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS

Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.

7yo: WHOA 🤯

one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭

I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.

Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?

Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’

a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes

It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.

Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people

Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”

A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.

Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.

Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you

People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT

hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book

I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.

ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?

My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.

it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test

welcome to janurary 32nd everyone

Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling

I’ve been watching a 3 yr old all day like a hawk and I stepped out the room for 1/1000 of a second and came back and she was dangling from the ceiling fan about to toss a hand grenade

I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.

How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name

[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*

Great!

I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.

[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s