Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”

How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”

*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?

*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*

*calls to renew prescription*

It’s time for people to stop being hateful about fat bodies and start being hateful about fat vehicles. I hate SUVs. They look like full diapers squishing down the road, constantly spilling into other lanes. Why do so many people need to drive around in a studio apartment?

I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.

On my way home, a huge flock of geese was walking slowly across the road. The car behind me started honking, like it was my fault.

Oh, do you think I planned this? Am I the Goose King? Did I send out my army to battle enemy ducks? How did you know that? Are you a duck spy??

*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*

“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”

8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]

me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?

8: I don’t care

me: hm ok

Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.

CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator

I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.

Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess

*falls on hard times*

Hard times: Get off me.

hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that

My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.

[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?

my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn

“You saw nothing.”

-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash

Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?

after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams

Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.

If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.

Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.

It’s almost ten o’clock, time for me to go outside and hit this big sheet of metal with a hammer in the parking lot for an hour and then turn my car alarm on

[slashing food truck tires]

friend: wtf are you doing?!

[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!

[Running away from home]

Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!

My signature move is illegal in 37 states.

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years

Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?

My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.