I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
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I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
my sixth grade gifted program class had to do presentations on our favorite US presidents. i procrastinated until the due date and chose nixon last-minute because i thought his last name sounded cool. i discovered watergate halfway through making the powerpoint but held my ground
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
husband: you need to stop buying so much cheese for our guests
me: yes…for our guests
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
