I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
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I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
