Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!

*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*

BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!

ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie

me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom

dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom

[Spills wine]

“My medicine!!”

[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*

[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier

Suez Canal: what the hell?

container ship: PARKOUR!

I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist

Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.

It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.

However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.

The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.

My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door

I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me

Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.

Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again

people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed

Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.

Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”

The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.

If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name

[MOM GROUP CHATS]

Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.

[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍

My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.

The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.

Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.

But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”

me: it’s weird there are so many stoners in high school now. the whole time I was in high school, I never even saw a beer, and no one did drugs

my children:

me:

my children: mom, we don’t know how to tell you this, but they did, you were just a nerd and they didn’t tell you

I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room

I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.

things i’ve picked my teeth with:

– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grass

things i’ve never picked my teeth with:

– toothpick

Oh yeh? Explain this then