Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.

A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.

[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?

my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock

My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.

Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving

[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]

customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too

me: he’s not on the menu

That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.

DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.

ME: I’m.

HER: Check please!

Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief

George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’

[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]

Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.

I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.

I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’

[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts

[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]

live long and prosper!

Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?

Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?

me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

Google reviews are always so mixed..

Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.

I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.

A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.

*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed

Me: This milk tastes funny

Lactating clown: Thank you

Stages of home cleanliness:

1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler

extrovert: want to come out with us

me: i’ll let you no.

My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?

Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars

“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.