Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him

When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.

him: what are you thinking about rn

me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack

I decided to do an exercise video today. Before long I was exhausted, broken, but I’d told myself I was going to gut it out so I hit pause to see how much I had left. I’d completed 80%. “Not bad,” I thought, then I caught the full name of the video. It was the warmup.

Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”

People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor

OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?

ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.

therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?

Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.

Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96

School supply list: box of 18 crayons

Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.

[begging for change]

POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave

ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE

POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’

4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!

Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.

Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.

Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon

4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here

Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.

I’ve worked several high-pressure corporate jobs, but I never put more effort into the way I look than when I’m working with kids. Like, the CEO of a company never asked me what happened to my hair or why I’m dressed like Beetlejuice.

a wizard dating app called bumbledore

I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.

I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating

‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress

I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.

Me: I’ll see you in court!

Waldo: will you

The worst part of getting new shoes is the breaking in phase. Once you’ve broken into the shoe shop, the rest is easy.

My favorite and only semi sane coworker just put in her two week notice this is more traumatic than my divorce

my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree

No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.

Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0

Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971