If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
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I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
My plans: 2020:
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me: