Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed

I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan

It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize

Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.

My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth

I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”

“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:

Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.

*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.

“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.

If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.

Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.

Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.

Schrodinger’s Immigrant: A person who is simultaneously too lazy to work, but is also stealing your job.

Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.

My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.

Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep

You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.

I have no idea what she’s talking about.

Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?

Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.

Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!

Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone

What a shocker.

I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.

*prospective pet owner interview

Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?

The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.

Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!

Me: I don’t gossip.

when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good

If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?

6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.

Don’t tempt me kid.

My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”

puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality