Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m living in a parallel universe where I suck at perpendicular parking.

My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.

DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.

Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?

Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so

Doctor: Reese is a lovely name

Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces

*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne Johnson

The world finally knows what the Rock was cookin

“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”

This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.

Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.

I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand

I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.

I think I need a hard boiled egg.

Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.

[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]

“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”

I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have super vision

professor x: oh?

mom: stop talking to strangers

Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug

I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.

Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?

Just me?

I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.

I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.

I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.

Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.

I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.

“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.

4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!

Me: Awwww, thank y—

4: It looks like a bug

Me:

I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.

Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!

Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.

I milked the cow

“We don’t have a cow”

the neighbors’ cow then

“Their cat?”

Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo

“Meow”

Ah shoot

At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist