[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
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I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
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When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?