Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”

The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just catholicism

I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.

when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient

How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon

OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!

-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee

Me. I’m the person.

My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION

* gets mugged *

“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”

Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats

What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.

–my dog

Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago

My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests

[god creating sharks]

angel: what is this?

god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense

Squirrel having fun.. 😅

My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.

[driving test]
me: did I pass?

driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal

Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?

ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.

Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.

Me: February probably.

I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.

We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.

“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”

“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”

Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.

How much for the soul sucker?

Sir, that’s a baby

Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”

Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”

cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them

eats a dozen doughnuts…

*checks for flabs*