I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
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remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be