Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Do the dishes.

10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.

Me: Do the dishes all week.

Let’s ride.

So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.

Similar to how tennis has different surfaces, swimming should have different liquids i. e. 50m chowder, 100m Greek yoghurt, relay spf 50 sun block

Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.

Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join

Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling

Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang

When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.

Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow

Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy

I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.

[Inside every wolf]

Me: Hey.

Me: Oh, hey.

“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”

I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue pies

Okay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version

Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body

Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.

Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…

Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]

…EXACTLY.

I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.

Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”

Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.

[yelling into desk phone] I’ve got Giacomo Bologna on the banana shortage

it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes

My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.

My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.

Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!

Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛

The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.

attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon

Barbie gone wild

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: There is snow in my paw and now you must carry me.

Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…

Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.

The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”

We are all that mom.

Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.

Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.

To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work