I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
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A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Old old old old old west
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Every time I start typing in “linkedin” on one of my browsers I just hit enter when it auto-fills and I always end up accidentally viewing the profile of some random person whose profile I once reviewed.
This guy is probably like “why is she so obsessed with me”
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.