Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.

* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂

There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.

Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.

Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die

I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”

HER: Let’s do some role playing

ME: Okay, be ur sister

HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..

ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?

If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car

My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.

People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire

Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?

How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon

Amal and Juan are identical twins.
Their mom only carries one baby
photo in her wallet.

Because if you’ve seen Juan you’ve
seen Amal.

Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.

Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time

WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.

there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball

My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.

Children are a blessing.

Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.

The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.

Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’

She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.

My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.

I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.

I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants

Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.

Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.

Judas: Never. He’s my friend.

Council: …and an iPad.

Judas: I hate that guy.

I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect

Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winks

Him:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid

LOL

Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.

Friend: Do you know karate?

Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.