Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective

Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*

*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can

If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.

The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint

I threw a ball for my dog.

May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.

[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.

Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”

Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.

i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house

If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.

Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.

Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*

My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.

Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work

[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”

There’s lots of fish in the sea

“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”

🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶

Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!

Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?

FISHERMAN: Which one?

[olive garden]

HOST: when you’re here you’re family

DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes

Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet

DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.

Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …

Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.

Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.

Me: It’s an autobiography.

Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great

I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.

In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:

“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”

You’re all welcome.

the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud

Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.

what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free

Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.

I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*

“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.

Punctuation Matters. Period.