I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
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“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
😂😂😂
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*