I tried to cancel the sail I ordered for my new boat but Amazon said:
“We’re sorry, your sail has shipped.”
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Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Somebody’s lying.
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There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?