Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough

Taiwanese Parliament member reportedly stole a bill and ran away with it to stop it from being passed

some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore

I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”

[text from friend)

Her: You doing okay?

Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?

Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.

Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.

H: …

sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location

Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!

Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose

When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.

Roombae.

My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”

I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one

Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.

It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.

10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.

long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.

I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.

You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?

In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)

Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.

That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.

My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…

Me: Go on.

My dad:

Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.

Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”

Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”

Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow

shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch

[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW

Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”

A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.

My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.

Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.

I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.

Plants are ALIVE, vegans.

You disgust me.