Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection

Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??

If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)

I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.

(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it

I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?

Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help

SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock

ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn

I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.

I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from

That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring

2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.

If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?

Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*

this bad boy can fit so many waves in it

I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱

I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.

I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs

3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.

Me: Okay—

3: And bite people.

“Just dashing to the shops”

Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]

Man [grabs car keys]

one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along

*Job interview

Him: Any special achievements?

Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed

H: Alright, you’re hired

M: Really?

H: No.

I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.

[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.

Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.

NASA: The moon is wobbling.

Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same

*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*

you guys headed down to the pawnshop?

I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.

me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux

penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]

me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size

[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]

Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!