I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
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true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Potatoes were such a good idea
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
He just like my cat fr
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.