I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
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*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Much like lasagna, I’m just held together by cheese at this point
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
We’re possibly the most untrustworthy nation due to our inability to control our politeness.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
*bumps into old work colleague*
*chats for 30 seconds*
Them: “we should totally catch up soon”
My brain: no, this was enough catching!
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.