I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
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Sharon I have some bad news
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
Tapped in
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.