i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival
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My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️