Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.

Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside

when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.

now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks

Ok, but like, how married are you?

There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.

My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over

My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!

Someone asked if my niece was my sister and the look of pleasure on my 40 year old face was matched only by the look of horror on her teenage face

my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”

So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.

Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know

-my toddler, at bedtime

Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.

[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands

How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.

Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh

Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.

I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back

Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room

God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*

Adam: That’s not funny.

figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives

When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.

[Traffic Stop]

Cop: Sir, please step out of the car

Me: But you said…

Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.

started wrapping my pills in cheese

I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel

Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.

Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.

Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.

gollum: *coughs on ring*

frodo: you know what, keep it