i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival
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I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
imagine asking a blind girl out in braille & she leave you on felt
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.