Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.

Emmy: That’s cool.

Oscar: Wow, interesting.

Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…

lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”

[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]

Board: B A L L

Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!

Board: T R E A T S

*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*

As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.

You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you

“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”

– The first horse ever ridden (probably)

Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly

Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit

Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.

I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. 😂

Air conditioners are just human refrigerators

There’s a man in America who claims he can rob supermarkets using telekinesis.

Food for thought, isn’t it?

So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options

For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.

uh oh

they should invent a hydrating liquor

(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies

I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.

Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.

Brain: What have we learned?

Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.

Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?

Me: Maybe wear clothes too.

Ethan isn’t playing around this semester

[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions

*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*

Me: why do I keep doing this, lol

*opens twitter*

Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7

They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles

The Ninja Turtles corner him

Mario jumps on them all

Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.

[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out

Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”

whenever they do this I can only imagine athletes are telling each other who they have a crush on

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?

Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him

Son: So he’s like 100 years old?