i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival
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The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus