Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?

Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…

Therapist: Where do you see this going?

Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.

Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.

I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.

“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit

SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery

[me 3 months later]

I think he had a brewery

Life is a suicide mission.

90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.

wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t

Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.

This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.

“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”

I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.

Writing, She Murdered.

[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.

[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi

*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out

I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”

I’d rather you didgerididn’t.

Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.

My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.

Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-

Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-

Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*

me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please

vendor: sorry cash only

Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try

If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go

If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?

“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.

Me: I’m going to poop

Dog: Great I’m coming with you

Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.

if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”