I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
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contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her