I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
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Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love, love🎶
Me: “Agree to disagree.”
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Found the job I’m suited for
Me: please wait a little longer
Her: you’re a liar and I’m leaving!
She turns and storms off. A few seconds later, the baseball I threw all the way around the world whizzes into my glove. It’s too late. It took too long. I must train to throw harder if I’m ever to find a wife.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Talk about a bad egg
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble